A Question On Being Selfish?

Posted in Rants on June 1, 2018 by dissectingthefetalpig

While I have been called selfish by many, I find it hilarious as I am really not. I just want what I’ve worked for. Not a cent more, but not a cent less. I usually give what I can when I can. But if I can’t, I don’t. That’s being honesty if anything. Is it better then to lie?

I usually try to think of the other person and even if my tokens of gratitude go unseen, it doesn’t mean they were not there. It’s not on me to pull that card, you either noticed it or you didn’t. Validation of ones self should come from within. However, I see nothing wrong with catering to one’s needs as long as the effects or measures taken are benign to those around you. If you NEED it, then it really must be had sooner rather than later. If you WANT something, it can wait as well, just for longer. With that in mind, you sometimes find you really didn’t want that thing you desired as much. Some always need more than others and it’s never wrong to want. For me, over the years, I have learned to live with less and less and my wants and needs are usually bound up tight into a bundle. An example would be that one will always need shelter but may never have their dream house. I will always require certain things like space or privacy so whatever shelter I find has to have that; be it 4 walls and a door or a small farm with distant neighbors. As long as my needs are met, my wants follow. Conversely, if I have no need for it, I don’t want it. So is it selfishness or simplicity? Either way, survival tends to be a selfish beast. 

Advertisements

Lava Lamp

Posted in Rants on May 22, 2018 by dissectingthefetalpig

How delightful 

So infinite and vast

Endless circles

Shapes drip and drop

Playfully dancing

Without sequence or rhythm 

Softly bouncing 

Lights dim and swirl

Gently floating 

Contours bend and sway

Bled Dry

Posted in Rants on May 18, 2018 by dissectingthefetalpig

Exhaust

ex·haust /iɡˈzôst/

1. a : to consume entirely : use up exhausted our funds in a week

b : to tire extremely or completely exhausted by overwork

c : to deprive of a valuable quality or constituent exhaust a soil of fertility

  1. a : to draw off or let out completely

       b : to empty by drawing off the contents; specifically : to create a vacuum in

  1. a : to consider or discuss (a subject) thoroughly or completely

b : to try out the whole number of exhausted all the possibilities

This defines me in a way. Broke, tired, used up, void of emotions and pretty much out of ideas. 

Over the years I’ve tried to play the game. Do better. Be better. And all for naught in a sense. In the past few months I’ve undergone a series of maladies that have made me question why I should even continue pushing forward in this direction. I’m not Christian. I don’t always turn the cheek. That, to me, is self abuse.

As my problems started to unfold and show it’s ugly heads a dear friend, who I’ve known since I was a teen, had said “This will only make you harder. And, that’s a shame. The world doesn’t deserve that”. It was a shock to my system to hear.  I mulled over it some. He seemed to really mean what he said and that made me question things and look at myself from the outside. 

A week later I was involved in an incident that left me with a huge gash in my head. I had stepped up to save someone I cared deeply for. Shitty bar fight. Mostly kids I could have parented. I pulled most of my punches and took a beating rather than get charges for assaulting minors. I was left to fight my way out of a bar while a lot of “friends” who I had known sat idle and watched. I did manage to save that someone. Mission accomplished. But it left a really sour aftertaste. I felt abandoned and angry. There was the matter of the cheap shot which now has left a nice permanent mark on my head. I knew who did that and I wanted him to suffer. 

In my earlier years this would have been a simple matter. Find that person and wreck them. But that would only cause further problems and would be a step backwards for me. I sat up at night shaking and saying “no” repeatedly. Old me wanted to come out. Badly. It took all I had to resist that. Instead of dealing with the drama, I decided to walk away. I don’t care for drama.  

In the weeks to follow I packed up all my belongings and began a small adventure to find a new home. A new place to start over. And I did in the form of the world’s best Irish goodbye. Only telling those I truly knew to be friends where I went. A small handful. There are a few others that I have meant to reach out to. In time I will. 

In my journey to start over (again), I have had time to look back and see that a lot of what crumbled was mostly in part to keeping shitty company and environments. My life has been one big illusion. It seems that while being more empathetic to people is a good value to have, it may not do me any good. Why show love to a world that never loved you?  As a rule, I don’t chase for affection. I learned this long ago in my childhood. There is very little in this world I truly love anymore. Perhaps I should go back to treating this world like it has treated me. Coldly. 

It is not to say that my life has not been rich with moments. I am grateful for all I have done and I am proud that I made it this far. I beat a lot of odds. But with great cost. I was following my heart and dreams for a goal. Ironically, that goal was an illusion. I am lost now as a result. 

All I can ask myself as I reflect on what my friend had said. Maybe the world doesn’t deserve a harder, colder versioning me. It’s not to say I don’t have anything to offer. I do. But that seems to go blindly as well. So with that comes the exhausting question. The world may not deserve a colder, harder person like myself, but it seems to ask for it. Perhaps, I should cave and give them what they want? Cold mechanics. A man with little to lose can be a dangerous person. Especially if the have become remorseless. I don’t like the decision in front of me, but I can’t see any other form of recourse. Either way I win. Either way I lose.

Odin’s Eye

Posted in Rants on May 1, 2018 by dissectingthefetalpig

It is said that the Norse god Odin gave up an eye for eternal knowledge. If you think about that, that’s a serious cost for a god. Those things are supposed to be omnipotent. Nigh invulnerable. So for a god to lose an eye to gain the knowledge of everything, think of what that cost is to a human. So with this math in mind think of what a fraction of the cost is for those of us mere mortals who know and have seen too much? Madness from the isolation in knowing what you know and never being able to fully share? When you see a game at all angles and are considered an excellent player you either lose interest after a while or you long for someone who can play at your level, perhaps better or bring something of interest to the game. A new twist perhaps? But even then, you know the game ends and again comes the pointlessness of it. You know how it ends before it starts? You saw it coming because you grew too up fast and too smart. The bleak fact that hell holds no surprises for you and there is nothing on the table for you in heaven. Complete fucking madness.

And with this I wonder if Odin ever wanted his eye back.

Saccharine Smiles

Posted in Rants on April 29, 2018 by dissectingthefetalpig

It is said that The Devil wears the biggest grin.  Suffice to say, those who do good must have some really long faces.  It’s not to say that their effort are in vain. But often go unheard.  Time and again they fight uphill with no end in sight. Fatigued and battered they forge on trying to chip away at all the damage done.  Selflessly, putting others ahead of themselves. But what is their reward? For some, it may be that feeling of doing something for a greater good.  Others may just want some space, a perimeter of safety, in the end so that they may finally rest and enjoy the life they fought so hard for. That’s why The Devil smiles.  Because he is far from finished and the fight will never end. And those who oppose wear the frown, for they too know this as truth.

Cereal Nightmares

Posted in Rants on April 6, 2018 by dissectingthefetalpig

Count Chocula fingerbanging your mom while she’s on her period.

Tony The Tiger giving my taint and balls a slow extended lick and saying “They’re Great!” As he give his trademark thumbs up and saccharine smile.

The Rice Crispy Elves as poorly dressed transvestites in a seedy hotel room littered with empty bottles and drug paraphernalia and scattered lingerie and sex toys. They are laid out between a loveseat and lounge chair in a stupor muttering “Snap, crackle, poppers”

Being strapped up like Alex DeLarge from the movie A Clockwork Orange and Tuscan Sam using his beak to hypnotize and sedate me as Mr. T interrogates me for things I’ve no knowledge of.

The Quaker Oats Man standing over an empty grave holding a torch and staring at me.

Cap’n Crunch and Lucky The Leprechaun riding around a suburban neighborhood in a dilapidated rape wagon. The Cap’n asks the children they slowly pass if they want see where his pal keeps his lucky charms. Lucky just giggles and quips how they want to see if he stays crunchy in milk. Sinister grins all around.

Sugar Bear playing Paul Sorvino’s role in Casino. He sadly croons his hook before going into a frenzy for his super golden crisp fix. He od’s and his last word is “…yeah”

Being forced to poop in a meth addled Cocoa Puff Bird’s mouth while strapped to a chair in sex club in Hamburg.

A question of repair

Posted in Rants on March 26, 2018 by dissectingthefetalpig

Once something is broken, it can never be the same. Sure, you can fix it. But it’s still damaged. Although, it’s now unique and has a personality unto itself. And it can break again and again. And, just like there are a million ways to repair something that also opens the door for a million more ways for it to be broken. This leaves the question of are we wasting our time even trying to fix things?

%d bloggers like this: