Collected Pearls

Because it is of not of worth to others does not make it if less value to you. Conversely, it is important to know when that thing is of no value to others.

Make love like you’re about to die. This can go a lot of ways, but usually involves involuntary jerking followed by stiffness. Take it how you like.

In all matters both discreet and intimate; leave nothing there, bring nothing home.

If one is troubled by something, more than likely it troubles others.

Don’t be a dick. Seriously.

If you can’t pay it back direct, pay it forward and whenever possible, pay it forward. You get what you give in all matters.

If your friends lives are not of equal value to yours then they are not your friend, just an associate. Know the difference.

Someone always has to be the bad guy. This does not exclude you.

Speak your mind honestly with consideration of your company. With this you’ll know freedom and gain respect.

Always maintain some youth, innocence, a sense of adventure and the courage to stand. Think creatively and know when to ignore boundaries and how to work well within them. Most of all seek and accept knowledge and take the time to perceive all information. Show patience and restrain. With these tools you will always advance.

Manners and courtesy speak volumes. It’s deeds, not words.

Never be afraid to take the first swing. It could be the difference of life and death.

Never run from a situation. Walk away. This applies in a manner of ways. Running is sure to bring unwanted attention.

If you bring yourself to believe that you are already dead and you’re life is merely a reflective dream of your life, you’ll always find the courage to push forward.

Anger beats fear every time, but it can also breed hate.

In all situations violent it is best to strike fast with extreme prejudice in as vicious of a manner possible. This will separate the weak from the brave and reduce numbers. Never linger and remove oneself as quickly and quietly from the situation. The longer you stay in this situation the longer it lingers.

It is always better to die on your feet than on one’s knees. You owe yourself that dignity.

Your word and name is all one truly has. Value that and maintain, if not increase that always.

Never be afraid to be who you are. If you don’t like who you are, be who you truly want to be. Only then will you find peace.

If you’re not dead, you’re still in the game. Opting out really isn’t a choice. However, if you don’t like the game you’re playing, move onto another.

Love is a matter of patience, understanding, loyalty, respect, communication, sacrifice and most importantly honesty and trust. Without these elements it will whither.

Know the difference between being humble and self humiliation.

Never chase for affection. Ever.

If you love something, let it go free. If it loves you back it will return. An old adage that holds true. However sometimes you have to know when to close that door no matter how painful it seems. If it isn’t right yet, it isn’t right.

Always be cautious and aware of your company and surroundings. Not doing so can lead to tragedy.

Trust is earned both ways. How much you trust a person should be equal to what you are shown.

While it is said that the enemy of your enemy can be a friend, he can also be seen as competition.

Kitchens are a poor choice for a place of conflict.

Be the gentleman whenever possible. Always look your best, put your money where your mouth is and if you have to fight, fight like a dog.

There’s always clues. Seek them and never avoid them. Follow your better judgement upon your findings.

One cannot get lost when there is nowhere to go.

Time is of value and precious as you truly do not know how much you have. Do not be afraid to live, but know when to step back and savor it as well.

There are two acceptable times to show up for a job. On time and early.

Bad communication is at the root of many a disaster.

If one does not explore and inquire than one is living their life similar to a dog shackled and tethered.

Acceptance is key, but one should also know what they are not willing to accept.

Be comfortable and honest with who you are regardless of your faults and flaws or you will be someone else. Also, be willing to be accepting of others.

You can’t yell at someone for not knowing something. You should inform them instead.

Advice should always be taken politely and with a bit of doubt. Question everything.

Information gained is worthless if it cannot be shared. With that in mind, always know who to share what information with.

There’s a pattern and rhythm to everything. It would be wise to take note of this.

Death is more than the end. It should also be a message. That message is on you.

There is a fine line between self respect and ego. Always avoid being egotistical for the sake of ones self respect and the respect of others.

It’s not always about you and life is not fair. You are only entitled to what you earn in this life.

Know when to let go. Not all battles can be won. It’s ok to lose if you really tried.

Consider your actions and how they not only affect yourself, but others. This is the smoothest path to tread.

Know the difference between your problems and others and keep that in check.

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A Question On Being Selfish?

While I have been called selfish by many, I find it hilarious as I am really not. I just want what I’ve worked for. Not a cent more, but not a cent less. I usually give what I can when I can. But if I can’t, I don’t. That’s being honesty if anything. Is it better then to lie?

I usually try to think of the other person and even if my tokens of gratitude go unseen, it doesn’t mean they were not there. It’s not on me to pull that card, you either noticed it or you didn’t. Validation of ones self should come from within. However, I see nothing wrong with catering to one’s needs as long as the effects or measures taken are benign to those around you. If you NEED it, then it really must be had sooner rather than later. If you WANT something, it can wait as well, just for longer. With that in mind, you sometimes find you really didn’t want that thing you desired as much. Some always need more than others and it’s never wrong to want. For me, over the years, I have learned to live with less and less and my wants and needs are usually bound up tight into a bundle. An example would be that one will always need shelter but may never have their dream house. I will always require certain things like space or privacy so whatever shelter I find has to have that; be it 4 walls and a door or a small farm with distant neighbors. As long as my needs are met, my wants follow. Conversely, if I have no need for it, I don’t want it. So is it selfishness or simplicity? Either way, survival tends to be a selfish beast. 

Lava Lamp

How delightful 

So infinite and vast

Endless circles

Shapes drip and drop

Playfully dancing

Without sequence or rhythm 

Softly bouncing 

Lights dim and swirl

Gently floating 

Contours bend and sway

Bled Dry

Exhaust

ex·haust /iɡˈzôst/

1. a : to consume entirely : use up exhausted our funds in a week

b : to tire extremely or completely exhausted by overwork

c : to deprive of a valuable quality or constituent exhaust a soil of fertility

2. a : to draw off or let out completely

       b : to empty by drawing off the contents; specifically : to create a vacuum in

3. a : to consider or discuss (a subject) thoroughly or completely

b : to try out the whole number of exhausted all the possibilities

This defines me in a way. Broke, tired, used up, void of emotions and pretty much out of ideas. 

Over the years I’ve tried to play the game. Do better. Be better. And all for naught in a sense. In the past few months I’ve undergone a series of maladies that have made me question why I should even continue pushing forward in this direction. I’m not Christian. I don’t always turn the cheek. That, to me, is self abuse.

As my problems started to unfold and show it’s ugly heads a dear friend, who I’ve known since I was a teen, had said “This will only make you harder. And, that’s a shame. The world doesn’t deserve that”. It was a shock to my system to hear.  I mulled over it some. He seemed to really mean what he said and that made me question things and look at myself from the outside. 

A week later I was involved in an incident that left me with a huge gash in my head. I had stepped up to save someone I cared deeply for. Shitty bar fight. Mostly kids I could have parented. I pulled most of my punches and took a beating rather than get charges for assaulting minors. I was left to fight my way out of a bar while a lot of “friends” who I had known sat idle and watched. I did manage to save that someone. Mission accomplished. But it left a really sour aftertaste. I felt abandoned and angry. There was the matter of the cheap shot which now has left a nice permanent mark on my head. I knew who did that and I wanted him to suffer. 

In my earlier years this would have been a simple matter. Find that person and wreck them. But that would only cause further problems and would be a step backwards for me. I sat up at night shaking and saying “no” repeatedly. Old me wanted to come out. Badly. It took all I had to resist that. Instead of dealing with the drama, I decided to walk away. I don’t care for drama.  

In the weeks to follow I packed up all my belongings and began a small adventure to find a new home. A new place to start over. And I did in the form of the world’s best Irish goodbye. Only telling those I truly knew to be friends where I went. A small handful. There are a few others that I have meant to reach out to. In time I will. 

In my journey to start over (again), I have had time to look back and see that a lot of what crumbled was mostly in part to keeping shitty company and environments. My life has been one big illusion. It seems that while being more empathetic to people is a good value to have, it may not do me any good. Why show love to a world that never loved you?  As a rule, I don’t chase for affection. I learned this long ago in my childhood. There is very little in this world I truly love anymore. Perhaps I should go back to treating this world like it has treated me. Coldly. 

It is not to say that my life has not been rich with moments. I am grateful for all I have done and I am proud that I made it this far. I beat a lot of odds. But with great cost. I was following my heart and dreams for a goal. Ironically, that goal was an illusion. I am lost now as a result. 

All I can ask myself as I reflect on what my friend had said. Maybe the world doesn’t deserve a harder, colder versioning me. It’s not to say I don’t have anything to offer. I do. But that seems to go blindly as well. So with that comes the exhausting question. The world may not deserve a colder, harder person like myself, but it seems to ask for it. Perhaps, I should cave and give them what they want? Cold mechanics. A man with little to lose can be a dangerous person. Especially if the have become remorseless. I don’t like the decision in front of me, but I can’t see any other form of recourse. Either way I win. Either way I lose.

Odin’s Eye

It is said that the Norse god Odin gave up an eye for eternal knowledge. If you think about that, that’s a serious cost for a god. Those things are supposed to be omnipotent. Nigh invulnerable. So for a god to lose an eye to gain the knowledge of everything, think of what that cost is to a human. So with this math in mind think of what a fraction of the cost is for those of us mere mortals who know and have seen too much? Madness from the isolation in knowing what you know and never being able to fully share? When you see a game at all angles and are considered an excellent player you either lose interest after a while or you long for someone who can play at your level, perhaps better or bring something of interest to the game. A new twist perhaps? But even then, you know the game ends and again comes the pointlessness of it. You know how it ends before it starts? You saw it coming because you grew too up fast and too smart. The bleak fact that hell holds no surprises for you and there is nothing on the table for you in heaven. Complete fucking madness.

And with this I wonder if Odin ever wanted his eye back.

Saccharine Smiles

It is said that The Devil wears the biggest grin.  Suffice to say, those who do good must have some really long faces.  It’s not to say that their effort are in vain. But often go unheard.  Time and again they fight uphill with no end in sight. Fatigued and battered they forge on trying to chip away at all the damage done.  Selflessly, putting others ahead of themselves. But what is their reward? For some, it may be that feeling of doing something for a greater good.  Others may just want some space, a perimeter of safety, in the end so that they may finally rest and enjoy the life they fought so hard for. That’s why The Devil smiles.  Because he is far from finished and the fight will never end. And those who oppose wear the frown, for they too know this as truth.

Cereal Nightmares

Count Chocula fingerbanging your mom while she’s on her period.

Tony The Tiger giving my taint and balls a slow extended lick and saying “They’re Great!” As he give his trademark thumbs up and saccharine smile.

The Rice Crispy Elves as poorly dressed transvestites in a seedy hotel room littered with empty bottles and drug paraphernalia and scattered lingerie and sex toys. They are laid out between a loveseat and lounge chair in a stupor muttering “Snap, crackle, poppers”

Being strapped up like Alex DeLarge from the movie A Clockwork Orange and Tuscan Sam using his beak to hypnotize and sedate me as Mr. T interrogates me for things I’ve no knowledge of.

The Quaker Oats Man standing over an empty grave holding a torch and staring at me.

Cap’n Crunch and Lucky The Leprechaun riding around a suburban neighborhood in a dilapidated rape wagon. The Cap’n asks the children they slowly pass if they want see where his pal keeps his lucky charms. Lucky just giggles and quips how they want to see if he stays crunchy in milk. Sinister grins all around.

Sugar Bear playing Paul Sorvino’s role in Casino. He sadly croons his hook before going into a frenzy for his super golden crisp fix. He od’s and his last word is “…yeah”

Being forced to poop in a meth addled Cocoa Puff Bird’s mouth while strapped to a chair in sex club in Hamburg.

A question of repair

Once something is broken, it can never be the same. Sure, you can fix it. But it’s still damaged. Although, it’s now unique and has a personality unto itself. And it can break again and again. And, just like there are a million ways to repair something that also opens the door for a million more ways for it to be broken. This leaves the question of are we wasting our time even trying to fix things?

The Severed Hand Of Cundalini

We are the severed limb that seeks it’s body so that we may finally look society in the eye when we throttle it.

Godless and bodiless to roam till we are whole. There are no masters. We serve none.

As agents of chaos we clear a path of carnage with great passion. Pausing only for decadence.

Calloused we are from our journeys and relentless in our goal. Determined to reattach ourselves to our roots under no man’s rule.

We are The Severed Hand of Cundalini. And we’ve been waiting patiently.

 

Other

One of the things I’ve always hated is the need for general classification. Systematically we are forced to fit in and strip away bit by bit of who we are to fit into their structure. To play by rules we didn’t agree to abide by imposed on us day one. As a young boy I realized this early. I never liked this feeling of constraint. It first sank in when I started school. My 1st grade teacher was making us fill out census forms. Looking at the questions made me cringe. I politely raised my hand and asked for assistance. I didn’t understand the question. Or, rather, the need to be narrowed down. My teacher was a nice lady and trying her best to help me out.

Our dialogue went something like this:

“Are you African American, Chinese American, Latino or white?”

“Other…”

“Are you Native American, Inuit or Japanese?”

“Other.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m Chinese, Cuban and Welsh”

“But how do you identify? You look Caucasian?”

“Chinese, Cuban and Welsh…”

And so began my long road of being a square peg in a round hole.